Her Story

One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.

~ Brene Brown

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am choosing to dedicate this space on my website to the many others who also have a story to tell, a story that will surely resonate with people and hopefully provide the support they are looking for. I have learned along the way that it is the ones who have, or are still somewhat walking in your shoes, that become your people. Some of these people I will eventually highlight here are ones I have met briefly along my journey, and some I know on a much deeper level. Either way, they have all made an impression on me and reinforced important lessons that I work to implement into my life daily. This first post is saved for someone who I know very well, my mom. As I have gotten older and experienced more in life, I can only imagine what it was like for my mom to go through what she did at such a young age. She has become a support system for others, including me, who have or are experiencing similar things.

Thank you mom, for being vulnerable enough to share your story. I am proud of you!

Share what you are willing to about your journey into parenthood.

My son, Matthew was our first, born in 1982. He came into the world with multiple health issues of which we had no prior indication. We were completely shocked and in shock. Matthew was immediately airlifted to a larger hospital for more specific care. Following three days of endless procedures, we relied on the medical community’s expertise and chose to end his suffering by removing all life support. He passed in our arms. I choose to believe that he went from the loving arms of his parents back into the loving arms of his creator.

How has this season of your life changed you?

Even though 42 years have passed, I think of him often. At first, it was if I had lost my future. It was a very hard and lonely time. I spent energy feeling unsettled by some comments said out of compassion, but also lacking in awareness. I do not believe this was God‘s plan or that he only chooses the strongest people to handle these kinds of things. I certainly didn’t feel very strong, but only weak and was now living a life I had never planned. There was just no way around it! I remember being overwhelmed at the thought that I would live some aspect of my life forever in this pain. I know that sounds dramatic, but it was true. You think the pain will not ease and for every step forward, you also take two steps backward. I now look back and wish someone would’ve told me that those feelings were okay. It was such a different time though and the supportive resources that exist nowadays simply did not back then. I now know that you need to rejoice in the steps forward and be patient with yourself during the backward ones. It might not even be taking life one day at a time but instead, just one moment at a time. I also know that, even though I live with the loss and I am blessed to now have a fulfilling life, that my one puzzle piece will always be missing. But that’s okay with me because those feelings are proof positive that my son did exist! Any tears I still shed are okay because my son is worth my tears. His life may have ended, but my relationship with him never will!

What do you wish someone would have told you when you were going through it?

That being said, it’s still not okay and never will be. But we know that life isn’t fair. We can’t avoid pain. However, I do know that it is possible to hold joy and pain together. For me, it is an everyday practice. It is said that there is no expiration date on courage. I find comfort in that because I am still on the journey and always will be. My question is no longer why did that happen but instead became, what now? Who am I now? Where does one go to find peace in their life after something so life-altering as your child passing?

What is one lesson you have taken away from your journey?

I find holy moments in sunsets and sunrises, the beauty of autumn, the kindness of others, music, quotes, verses, quiet times and solitude, being with friends and family including, my beautiful grandchildren, and in the blessings of an ordinary life. I intentionally search for those moments, trying hard to recognize them and be grateful.

I really believe that there are people who have been divinely placed in my life. I am blessed with three more amazing children and I believe that they were handpicked, by their older brother. It’s a human thought but, I’m human. I also believe in “bya people!” There are those in my life who will rejoice but also battle alongside me, in the trenches so to speak. They are “by me!” We may have different struggles, but we walk beside eachother on our journeys. I invite God into my story every day and every night.

It was in the dark of the night, in those early times after Matthew had passed, that I had nowhere else to turn and now I just keep on turning.

What is one piece of advice you have for others who may have experienced something similar?

As I have reflected on my son’s passing, I know that what I have to offer is my experience and my presence to others. I may not be able to heal someone’s hurt, but I can hold their hand. I can say, “Me, too.” Matt’s time on earth was short but in that time, he gave to the world. He continues to give to my heart, and I, his mother choose to give back.

Sometimes the little things really are the big things, right? It was a little boy, my little boy that taught me about the truly big things in life. Thank you, Matt.

Although I was never able to meet my brother, it is his story that has shaped my mom into who she is, allowing her to connect with me along my journey into parenthood.

** Matthew is the gift that keeps on giving **